Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Being And Jar Jarness
Easter has passed but I thought I'd post this video anyway. It reminds me of a time when my friends Amy, Garrett, Ann and I out of sheer boredom watched a full marathon of World's Funniest Animals. We're talking 9pm to 3am. We were all maybe 16, 17? Anyway, I remember by 2am we had entered a state of delirium. Somehow the combination of the saccharine programming, the filth of Garrett's house [GOD it was so dirty!], the supremely unintelligent nature of enjoying pet tricks and the hopelessness of another Saturday night wasted in a small dead end town caused us to break out in painful fits of laughter. I specifically remember the breaking point. There was a clip of a goat and the announcer for some reason was pretending it was Jar Jar Binks and began speaking in that offensive faux Jamaican accent. It was such an idiotic and painfully unfunny moment that it became HYSTERICAL. Trembling at first, we eventually began to violently shake with laughter, unable to stop the cackles for at least a half an hour. It was akin to bawling, underneath we were all seething with rage, anger, and discontent. I'm sure questions like, Why are we watching this? Why are we choosing to spend our night this way? I wonder if they'll have some cute gerbal footage coming up soon, I love me some gerbals! were passing through our head. Eventually the giggles subsided and there was a calm, cathartic feeling that you usually have after a good weeping session.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Super Tuesday
With the democratic primary locked in a dead heat between Obama and Clinton, it seems like this Tuesday is a make or break situation for the candidates. I wish them both good luck and offer these last minute campaign strategy tactics that might just win over all those undecided votes.
Obama- America loves nothing more than.... a black man in drag! The Madea vehicles, Big Momma's house 1,2 and basically every film that Eddie Murphy has appeared in since 1995 have all seen black men donning a dress and in the process winning over the hearts, minds, and wallets of the American public. Have you possibly considered "duping" us with the introduction of your great Aunt Penny who offer tough love advice and is full of sage, salt of the earth wisdom? Then after you win the nomination due to the irresistible charms of sassy Penny, you can "come clean" about how it was you all along. You'll give a stirring, moving speech about how Penny might be fictitious but what she stood for is not. Close it with a tear jerking line about how dressing up as a woman made you the strongest man that you could ever be. We'll forgive you and into the white house you'll go! Although, do be careful and make sure to reaffirm your heterosexuality by constantly bringing up Michelle and the kids. You're already very slender and pretty in the face, were born in Hawaii [way faggy!] and spent your formative years abroad. That coupled with donning a dress might make you just a touch too untrustworthy. It's a difficult balancing act but you're an amazing speaker and we have faith.
Clinton- Now regardless of your stance on health care or any other policy issue, it seems we're having a lot of trouble with your voice and demeanor. You open your mouth and all we can think is shrew, frigid, and humorless. At least those are the adjectives every media publication has been hurling at you since you decided to run. Hillary, let me introduce you to... Illona Staller aka La Cicciolina. Who is that? Well I'm glad you asked. She is a Hungarian-born Italian porn-star turned politician and the first hardcore performer in the world to be elected to a democratic parliament. Now you've already got the success and power thing down Hillary but we need to sexualize you if we're going to take you seriously. No one wants an unsexy president these days. So let's get better aquainted with La Cicciolina. For starters, she is super liberal just like you! Now about that whole porn past...
According to the La Cicciolina wikipedia entry....
"Her first film exclusively involving hardcore pornography was Il telefono rosso, or The Red Telephone, produced by her and Schicchi's company, Diva Futura, in 1983. In her films, she often appeared in group sex scenes with multiple male and female partners, often engaging in such activities such as anal sex, double penetration, and watersports, with some limited scat. In her 1986 film Cicciolina Number One--Horsepower, her counterpart Denise Dior is seen performing fellatio on, and intercourse with, a full-grown male horse, which led to the misconception that it was Staller who performed this sexual act. Although she claims in her memoirs that she had sex with a dog, she herself never engaged in zoosexual activity in any of her films, although in the 1984 film Il Pornopoker she does masturbate with a live snake including inserting the snakes tail into her vagina."
While we aren't expecting you to get extra friendly with Socks maybe make a lewd or inappropriate comment about Bill's dong during your next stump speech. It'll help dispell those ideas that you're a power hungry castrating lessie. Here's a video of La Cicciolina performing her hit single, Political Woman for inspiration. Yes, she is also a musician. Now stick with the song, the first 30 seconds might sound like incoherent Italian baby babble but its actually in English! I promise, its just heavy on the reverb and I'm pretty sure English is maybe her third language. Anyhow, I defy you not to be tapping your foot and singing along to the insanely catchy chorus of
Bom! Political woman!
I'm coming now in Parliament!
Hey! I'll even weigh in on the Republican side!
McCain- Uh, sorry dude but the zombie renaissance kind of peaked in 03/04 with the Dawn of The Dead Remake and 28 days later. Mmmmm, you could bring up maybe how you're name kind of sounds like John Wayne and that you're not dead and promise not to die if you get into office?
Romney- just smile big and parade around those strapping handsome sons of yours and you might reach the log cabin vote which probably represents a whole 37 gay Americans. Oh who am I kidding you're fucked!
Huckabee- Um, can I suggest this as your campaign song?
Obama- America loves nothing more than.... a black man in drag! The Madea vehicles, Big Momma's house 1,2 and basically every film that Eddie Murphy has appeared in since 1995 have all seen black men donning a dress and in the process winning over the hearts, minds, and wallets of the American public. Have you possibly considered "duping" us with the introduction of your great Aunt Penny who offer tough love advice and is full of sage, salt of the earth wisdom? Then after you win the nomination due to the irresistible charms of sassy Penny, you can "come clean" about how it was you all along. You'll give a stirring, moving speech about how Penny might be fictitious but what she stood for is not. Close it with a tear jerking line about how dressing up as a woman made you the strongest man that you could ever be. We'll forgive you and into the white house you'll go! Although, do be careful and make sure to reaffirm your heterosexuality by constantly bringing up Michelle and the kids. You're already very slender and pretty in the face, were born in Hawaii [way faggy!] and spent your formative years abroad. That coupled with donning a dress might make you just a touch too untrustworthy. It's a difficult balancing act but you're an amazing speaker and we have faith.
Clinton- Now regardless of your stance on health care or any other policy issue, it seems we're having a lot of trouble with your voice and demeanor. You open your mouth and all we can think is shrew, frigid, and humorless. At least those are the adjectives every media publication has been hurling at you since you decided to run. Hillary, let me introduce you to... Illona Staller aka La Cicciolina. Who is that? Well I'm glad you asked. She is a Hungarian-born Italian porn-star turned politician and the first hardcore performer in the world to be elected to a democratic parliament. Now you've already got the success and power thing down Hillary but we need to sexualize you if we're going to take you seriously. No one wants an unsexy president these days. So let's get better aquainted with La Cicciolina. For starters, she is super liberal just like you! Now about that whole porn past...
According to the La Cicciolina wikipedia entry....
"Her first film exclusively involving hardcore pornography was Il telefono rosso, or The Red Telephone, produced by her and Schicchi's company, Diva Futura, in 1983. In her films, she often appeared in group sex scenes with multiple male and female partners, often engaging in such activities such as anal sex, double penetration, and watersports, with some limited scat. In her 1986 film Cicciolina Number One--Horsepower, her counterpart Denise Dior is seen performing fellatio on, and intercourse with, a full-grown male horse, which led to the misconception that it was Staller who performed this sexual act. Although she claims in her memoirs that she had sex with a dog, she herself never engaged in zoosexual activity in any of her films, although in the 1984 film Il Pornopoker she does masturbate with a live snake including inserting the snakes tail into her vagina."
While we aren't expecting you to get extra friendly with Socks maybe make a lewd or inappropriate comment about Bill's dong during your next stump speech. It'll help dispell those ideas that you're a power hungry castrating lessie. Here's a video of La Cicciolina performing her hit single, Political Woman for inspiration. Yes, she is also a musician. Now stick with the song, the first 30 seconds might sound like incoherent Italian baby babble but its actually in English! I promise, its just heavy on the reverb and I'm pretty sure English is maybe her third language. Anyhow, I defy you not to be tapping your foot and singing along to the insanely catchy chorus of
Bom! Political woman!
I'm coming now in Parliament!
Hey! I'll even weigh in on the Republican side!
McCain- Uh, sorry dude but the zombie renaissance kind of peaked in 03/04 with the Dawn of The Dead Remake and 28 days later. Mmmmm, you could bring up maybe how you're name kind of sounds like John Wayne and that you're not dead and promise not to die if you get into office?
Romney- just smile big and parade around those strapping handsome sons of yours and you might reach the log cabin vote which probably represents a whole 37 gay Americans. Oh who am I kidding you're fucked!
Huckabee- Um, can I suggest this as your campaign song?
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Sweet Baby Jesus No
It seems only fitting that the crappiest pay channel Starz would turn the crappiest film to ever win Best Picture Crash into a weekly TV series. Its their first foray into original programming attempting to follow in the footsteps of their more sophisticated siblings, HBO and Showtime. Read the article here
UPDATE: Crash is the number one rented film on Netflix. America, what is wrong with you??????
UPDATE: Crash is the number one rented film on Netflix. America, what is wrong with you??????
Monday, January 28, 2008
Youtube
One of my favorite past times at work is to check out the most viewed clips of the week or month on youtube. It's often depressing, baffling, and... entertaining to get an idea of the world pulse on internet media consumption. The immediate appeals are often of a sex, violence, freakshow, media mishap, or cute pet variety. Today I highlight the baffling category. How the hell does this get 1.5 million views??????
Sadly I think i know the answer
Sadly I think i know the answer
Friday, January 25, 2008
Move That Bus!
From the NYT The median price of an American single-family home fell in 2007 for the first time in at least four decades, according to the National Association of Realtors, a trade group. “It’s the first price decline in many, many years,” the group’s chief economist, Lawrence Yun, said Thursday. “And possibly going back to the Great Depression.” The median price of a single-family home fell 1.8 percent, to $217,800, the first annual decline since reliable records began in 1968. The following clip could serve as a possible metaphor for the current housing condition. Its from one of America's most beloved shows on TV right now.
You know, all this talk in the news of the supposed inevitable economic recession, kinda sorta has me FREAKING out. My dad says that perhaps it is what "our generation needs." THANKS DAD! As if the baby boomer generation had it tough growing up and somehow aren't responsible for the current grave economic situations we face. As my friend David pointed out they were the generation that rode the post WW2 good will economic boom into the ground. Opting for free love and partying and talk about changing the world... but talk is about all they did. Social security, owning a house, medicare, medicaid, all things that were birthright and given to that generation are no longer for us. But somehow, we're the "spoiled" and "entitled" ones. To add insult to injury, that incredibly self important and rapidly aging generation refuses to leave center stage. They're not retiring and even hogging up the silver screen! Anyone going to see Rambo this weekend?
You know, all this talk in the news of the supposed inevitable economic recession, kinda sorta has me FREAKING out. My dad says that perhaps it is what "our generation needs." THANKS DAD! As if the baby boomer generation had it tough growing up and somehow aren't responsible for the current grave economic situations we face. As my friend David pointed out they were the generation that rode the post WW2 good will economic boom into the ground. Opting for free love and partying and talk about changing the world... but talk is about all they did. Social security, owning a house, medicare, medicaid, all things that were birthright and given to that generation are no longer for us. But somehow, we're the "spoiled" and "entitled" ones. To add insult to injury, that incredibly self important and rapidly aging generation refuses to leave center stage. They're not retiring and even hogging up the silver screen! Anyone going to see Rambo this weekend?
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Baby Fever
So according to this article from USA today, fertility rates are at their highest since 1971. The age group that gained the most? Those 20 to 24 years old. Phew, glad I'm not in that bracket any more! The paper goes on to note that for industrialized nations it is strictly an American phenom. A look back on the films that graced our screen dealing with pregnancy and the embrace of babies in celebrity culture both high [Angelina/Brad] and low [Jaimie Lynn Spears y'all], it seem to make sense then why we are having a baby renaissance. Waitress, Knocked Up, and Juno were all released last year and deal with the topic of unexpected/unwanted pregnancy. However, all three are dramedies with an emphasis on the comedy because... unwanted babies are hilarious! Nothing more funny! Ripe fodder for comedic gold. That none of these films really considers abortion strikes me as somewhat irritating. Who knows, maybe I'm just grumpy because I'm currently going through a bout of middle child syndrome given my somewhat new status as uncle to a one year old niece. Because I will most likely never have a child and seeing how excited and happy my parents and relatives get at the sight of said baby I realize I've got a shoddy hand. Petty, self centered and immature, I am making a resolution to love babies and see the flip side of the coin! I too want to embrace the idiocy of baby culture and found this appropriate clip that is helping the conversion process.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Its been awhile
I arrive to little fanfare I imagine but none the less must get these thoughts off my chest. I am home for holidays!™ .... And dying of boredom! After binge eating on rice crispy squares and candied pecans I plopped in front of my parents new Hi Def TV where I watched Ghost Rider for all of 3 minutes before returning to the kitchen for round 4. I've been revisiting old relics of my talentless youth such as yearbooks, photos, toys, and reports. Jesus its all so banal. If I was unextraordinary or bordering on idiocy its because I was allowed to do so. After reading the inscriptions by my fellow classmates in my yearbooks I can assure you that the public education system was in trouble long, long ago.
The house I grew up in feels more and more alien and not necessarily in a bad way. My father, having retired keeps the place in top shape and my parents' taste in interior decor and design has aged well over the years. The unofficial desire is to look like a spread from Martha Stuart Living and I think very soon they will have achieved have achieved that goal. Congrats.
I'm currently sitting on a oversized couch that is more comfortable than the single bed mattress and box spring I own. I'm heading to Long Island this Christmas and have been practicing my eyes of blocked emotion and condescending smiles. I found this video that is shockingly accurate in what it will be like when I arrive.
The house I grew up in feels more and more alien and not necessarily in a bad way. My father, having retired keeps the place in top shape and my parents' taste in interior decor and design has aged well over the years. The unofficial desire is to look like a spread from Martha Stuart Living and I think very soon they will have achieved have achieved that goal. Congrats.
I'm currently sitting on a oversized couch that is more comfortable than the single bed mattress and box spring I own. I'm heading to Long Island this Christmas and have been practicing my eyes of blocked emotion and condescending smiles. I found this video that is shockingly accurate in what it will be like when I arrive.
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