Obama- America loves nothing more than.... a black man in drag! The Madea vehicles, Big Momma's house 1,2 and basically every film that Eddie Murphy has appeared in since 1995 have all seen black men donning a dress and in the process winning over the hearts, minds, and wallets of the American public. Have you possibly considered "duping" us with the introduction of your great Aunt Penny who offer tough love advice and is full of sage, salt of the earth wisdom? Then after you win the nomination due to the irresistible charms of sassy Penny, you can "come clean" about how it was you all along. You'll give a stirring, moving speech about how Penny might be fictitious but what she stood for is not. Close it with a tear jerking line about how dressing up as a woman made you the strongest man that you could ever be. We'll forgive you and into the white house you'll go! Although, do be careful and make sure to reaffirm your heterosexuality by constantly bringing up Michelle and the kids. You're already very slender and pretty in the face, were born in Hawaii [way faggy!] and spent your formative years abroad. That coupled with donning a dress might make you just a touch too untrustworthy. It's a difficult balancing act but you're an amazing speaker and we have faith.
Clinton- Now regardless of your stance on health care or any other policy issue, it seems we're having a lot of trouble with your voice and demeanor. You open your mouth and all we can think is shrew, frigid, and humorless. At least those are the adjectives every media publication has been hurling at you since you decided to run. Hillary, let me introduce you to... Illona Staller aka La Cicciolina. Who is that? Well I'm glad you asked. She is a Hungarian-born Italian porn-star turned politician and the first hardcore performer in the world to be elected to a democratic parliament. Now you've already got the success and power thing down Hillary but we need to sexualize you if we're going to take you seriously. No one wants an unsexy president these days. So let's get better aquainted with La Cicciolina. For starters, she is super liberal just like you! Now about that whole porn past...
According to the La Cicciolina wikipedia entry....
"Her first film exclusively involving hardcore pornography was Il telefono rosso, or The Red Telephone, produced by her and Schicchi's company, Diva Futura, in 1983. In her films, she often appeared in group sex scenes with multiple male and female partners, often engaging in such activities such as anal sex, double penetration, and watersports, with some limited scat. In her 1986 film Cicciolina Number One--Horsepower, her counterpart Denise Dior is seen performing fellatio on, and intercourse with, a full-grown male horse, which led to the misconception that it was Staller who performed this sexual act. Although she claims in her memoirs that she had sex with a dog, she herself never engaged in zoosexual activity in any of her films, although in the 1984 film Il Pornopoker she does masturbate with a live snake including inserting the snakes tail into her vagina."
While we aren't expecting you to get extra friendly with Socks maybe make a lewd or inappropriate comment about Bill's dong during your next stump speech. It'll help dispell those ideas that you're a power hungry castrating lessie. Here's a video of La Cicciolina performing her hit single, Political Woman for inspiration. Yes, she is also a musician. Now stick with the song, the first 30 seconds might sound like incoherent Italian baby babble but its actually in English! I promise, its just heavy on the reverb and I'm pretty sure English is maybe her third language. Anyhow, I defy you not to be tapping your foot and singing along to the insanely catchy chorus of
Bom! Political woman!
I'm coming now in Parliament!
Hey! I'll even weigh in on the Republican side!
McCain- Uh, sorry dude but the zombie renaissance kind of peaked in 03/04 with the Dawn of The Dead Remake and 28 days later. Mmmmm, you could bring up maybe how you're name kind of sounds like John Wayne and that you're not dead and promise not to die if you get into office?
Romney- just smile big and parade around those strapping handsome sons of yours and you might reach the log cabin vote which probably represents a whole 37 gay Americans. Oh who am I kidding you're fucked!
Huckabee- Um, can I suggest this as your campaign song?
